


Flirting for Dummies

by miniconsuffrage



Category: Transformers - All Media Types, Transformers: Beast Wars
Genre: M/M, i have to create all the ship tags around here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-30
Updated: 2020-05-30
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:20:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24464839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miniconsuffrage/pseuds/miniconsuffrage
Summary: "What, you a coward?" Quickstrike demanded. "Too afraid to talk to him?"Rampage took a step forward so that he was directly in Quickstrike's personal space, in the perfect position for looming. "I am not a coward," he growled.
Relationships: Depth Charge/Quickstrike/Rampage
Comments: 9
Kudos: 25





	Flirting for Dummies

**Author's Note:**

> ....well _I_ think it's funny

"So, what's with you and the fish bot?"

Rampage got a good hit in on the tree in front of him. Quickstrike, in contrast, had stopped punching. He'd _thought_ they were having a contest to see who could knock a tree over first, but Quickstrike had clearly gotten distracted. Or he'd realized he was losing and was trying to distract Rampage, but... honestly, Rampage wasn't sure he was smart enough to try something like that.

"Depth Charge? What about him?" he asked warily.

"Y'know. You're always fighin' but you never kill him. How come?" Quickstrike asked. 

Instinctively, Rampage presumed malicious intent. But the taste of his emotions didn't match up—he just seemed... curious.

Truth be told, Quickstrike never tasted malicious towards Rampage. Rampage checked every time anyway.

"Why would I kill him?"

"He's tryin' to kill you, ain't he?" Quickstrike asked.

"Yes," Rampage admitted. "But he can't. Depth Charge is no threat to me."

"Yeah, but you could just kill him and get him off your back," Quickstrike said, clearly puzzled. "Then you wouldn't have to worry about him followin' you around anymore."

Rampage punched his tree a couple more times as he tried to come up with something to say. He'd never explained it before—had never needed to, and had never really had someone to talk to about Depth Charge that... wasn't Depth Charge. Rampage didn't talk to people, except for Depth Charge, who already knew.

And now, apparently, Quickstrike.

"It's a game. If I kill him, it won't be fun anymore," Rampage settled on. Quickstrike nodded along, but everything else about him screamed confusion. Rampage huffed, now frustrated with his inability to explain himself. "Nobody cares as much as Depth Charge does. His anger, his fear... all of his emotions are delicious. If I killed him, I would lose all of that."

"Oooh," Quickstrike said, understanding dawning on his face. For just a second, Rampage thought he tasted just the slightest flash of disappointment, but it was gone the next instant. "So y'like him."

Rampage turned mid-punch, and almost knocked himself off his feet. " _What?_ No," he said. "That's... not what I said."

"That's what it sounded like to me," Quickstrike said, now sounding pleased with himself. 

"No," Rampage said, scrambling for literally _any_ different word. "I just like..."

"Fighting with him," Quickstrike finished for him.

"Yes."

"So you like him!" Quickstrike concluded. "You coulda just said that."

Rampage groaned into his hand. This was the problem with Quickstrike. Any physical confrontation between the two of them, Rampage won handily—and there were many. Quickstrike never gave up. He never admitted that Rampage was better than him, or that he'd been wrong to challenge Rampage in the first place. He _would not_ change his mind, no matter what Rampage said. He'd already lost this battle.

He gave his tree one last good punch out of frustration, and finally knocked it to the ground. "I win," he pointed out, trying to bring the fuzor's attention back to the challenge. 

It _almost_ worked. "I want a rematch," Quickstrike demanded, looking around for another tree to attempt to fell, and then suddenly remembered his previous line of thought. "Y'know, you're goin' about this whole thing all wrong."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Rampage demanded. He could feel an imminent bad mood descending upon him. 

"With gettin' him to like you back," Quickstrike explained, like he was talking to someone very slow, and Rampage suddenly felt all his joints lock up simultaneously. Quickstrike continued, and probably didn't even notice. "I mean, fightin' is great! Maybe for you and me that's all it should take. But some people don't get it. You can't use the same method on everyone."

Wh... what? _What?_ "I'm not... no," Rampage said, stumbling to string words together coherently, which only made him angry. "I'm not trying to get him to like me back. I don't—"

"What, you a coward?" Quickstrike demanded. "Too afraid to talk to him?"

Rampage took a step forward so that he was directly in Quickstrike's personal space, in the perfect position for looming. "I am not a coward," he growled. 

Unfortunately, intimidation didn't work on Quickstrike. It never had. He wasn't smart enough to be intimidated by anything or anyone. "I don't see any other explanations," he said, his snake head hissing in disapproval.

"I don't need him to like me. Hating me is what keeps him playing the game," Rampage explained darkly, and as plainly as he could. "He gets to seek revenge, and I get to sample his fear and loathing. It's a mutually beneficial arrangement."

For a moment, it seemed like Quickstrike had gotten it, or at least that he'd gotten enough of it to back off. He looked contemplative, and was blessedly silent. And then.

"Sounds like quitter talk to me," he said. "I'll help ya. Partners don't let partners stumble around like this! Here, show me what you got."

Suddenly, Rampage felt very acutely out of his depth. "What?"

"Yeah! I'll pretend to be Depth Charge. You gotta convince me to go out with you," Quickstrike instructed. He cast around for _something_ and his gaze settled on the tree Rampage had just felled. He climbed up on the trunk to make himself just a little bit taller, and puffed out his chest. "There. I'll stand here lookin' all grumpy. Convince me not to start punchin' you."

Rampage stared at him. There was a war currently being waged inside him. To one side, it was simple. Rampage had been issued a challenge, and he was loathe to let Quickstrike best him at anything. And he _enjoyed_ Quickstrike's challenges. He liked winning them, and Quickstrike always made them fun. He couldn't back down now.

The other side of him felt very... self-conscious. This was not a feeling Rampage was used to having. 

"C'mon! Flirt with me!" Quickstrike prodded impatiently. He had no such internal debate happening. He tasted of the utmost confidence, like he _knew_ he was right, and there was no way Rampage was going to let that stand. 

Which was a fine thing to decide, and something completely different to act on.

"Uh..." he started, grasping around for something, _anything_ to say that could be considered... flirting. "You... wanna go for a swim?"

Quickstrike tasted of triumph, and quickly got into character, which mainly consisted of glaring at Rampage. Which... wasn't inaccurate. "And do what?" he asked suspiciously. 

...Rampage hadn't thought that far ahead. "Swim?" he absolutely did _not_ squeak.

Quickstrike sighed, his Depth Charge persona gone. "No! This ain't gonna get you anywhere," he scolded. "Try sayin' something nice. Everyone likes bein' complimented."

"I compliment Depth Charge all the time."

"I'm Depth Charge," Quickstrike reminded him. "You gotta show me!"

"Your fear is delicious," Rampage said. "I could live for the rest of eternity with that taste and never tire of it."

Quickstrike squinted at him. _"No,"_ he said. "Try somethin' else."

Rampage huffed. He hated this, he decided. But now he was in it, he couldn't just give up. "Your... fins look... nice?"

Quickstrike's snake head hissed as he shook his head. "This isn't workin," he said, and jumped off the tree. "Here, I'll show you how it's done."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Rampage demanded. Because if this was an insinuation he had _lost_ , he would argue it ceaselessly.

"Sit down. You be Depth Charge, and I'm gonna be you," he instructed. 

Rampage did, because he knew Quickstrike wouldn't leave him alone until he did, but he crossed his arms over his chest to show he wasn't happy with it. Even with Rampage sitting on the tree trunk and Quickstrike standing, he was a good bit taller than the fuzor.

Quickstrike was evidently not bothered by this. He leaned against the tree trunk to Rampage's right, his snake hand propped on his cocked hip.

"Hey, sweet fins," he said in a put-upon deep voice which sounded _ridiculous_. Rampage wasn't sure he was going to be able to handle this. "Y'know I've been thinkin', and... you an' me have been fighting for a long time. What would you say to tryin' something a little more fun?"

The side of Rampage that had agreed to this was so, so stupid. He very much wanted to melt into the ground and disappear, just then. 

Quickstrike got impatient when Rampage didn't say anything. _"C'mon_ , you're Depth Charge. You gotta talk," he prodded.

Okay.... Okay. Rampage cleared his vocalizer. If Quickstrike wanted him to play along, he would play along.

What would Depth Charge say to him? If he'd said something like that? "Uh... What do you mean, 'fun?'"

"I was thinkin we could find a nice place to spend a few hours. Have a few drinks, watch the sunset?" Quickstrike-as-Rampage suggested, back to the deep voice.

"If you think I'm going anywhere with you you've got another thing coming," Rampage said, trying to channel an authentic Depth Charge experience. "Unless you're in stasis cuffs and we're on our way to throw you into an active volcano."

Rampage tasted a sudden spike of delight in Quickstrike. Weird. "Aw, come on, darlin'! I promise I can show you a good time if you give me a chance," he said. "What do you have to lose? You can always throw me in afterwards. When's the last time you and me really talked?"

When _was_ that? "Probably just before I put you in stasis and took you to the Maximal elders," Rampage said after thinking on it for a moment. That felt like a lifetime ago. "You really expect me to believe _you_ want to watch a sunset? Where's the terror and pain in that?"

"There's more to me than all that," Quickstrike said, elbowing Rampage's knee. "It'll be nice, I promise. Proper romantic. Then maybe we can go down to the Darksyde and see who can shoot Waspinator down first."

Rampage chuckled, which was out of character for Depth Charge, but... that _did_ sound fun. He and Quickstrike should do that for real, later. "Since when do you know anything about romantic? Besides, I'm supposed to be killing you," he said. It was actually... not that bad pretending to be Depth Charge. Rampage was the one person alive who knew him best, after all. It wasn't serious, and if Depth Charge found out he'd skewer Rampage, but he was never going to find out.

"Well, I won't tell if you don't, baby," Quickstrike said, waggling his brow ridge. Rampage tried valiantly to suppress a snicker. He briefly tried to picture himself saying something like that to Depth Charge, but there was just no way. "Like I said, you can kill me after the date. Let's just have some fun first."

"Well... I guess," Rampage relented, because what else was he supposed to do?

Quickstrike stood up straight, practically oozing a feeling of triumph. "See! That was easy," Quickstrike said. Rampage rolled his eyes. "You just gotta convince him you're hot stuff. Shouldn't be too hard for someone like you!"

Wait, what?

"Anyway. I want a rematch on the trees. Yours had weaker roots than mine," Quickstrike said, and bounded off to find another tree that he thought would give more easily.

That was fine. Quickstrike was satisfied, so he would leave _whatever_ had just happened alone. He could go back to normal, like nothing had ever happened, and Rampage...

Well. Rampage just put the whole thing out of his head. 

* * *

He almost _had_ forgotten when Depth Charge found him next.

Rampage lived for these moments, when Depth Charge was close by and all Rampage could taste was _him—_ his anger, hatred, his fear—everything he felt, he felt _strongly_ , and it was all for Rampage. 

This time, Depth Charge caught him at the end of a strategic retreat. Rampage didn't need to recuperate, and Megatron evidently hadn't noticed he'd gone missing. It was just the two of them, back at their game.

"I missed you during the battle, old friend," Rampage said as he just barely deflected one of Depth Charge's projectiles. "Fighting anyone else just isn't the same. Their terror isn't _nearly_ as rich and delectable as yours."

Depth Charge followed that up with a few gunshots, and just barely jumped out of the way of a missile Rampage shot in his direction. He landed on his hands and knees, but was back to his feet in the time it took Rampage to get within arm's reach. "I was just waiting for them to tire you out," Depth Charge said as he grabbed Rampage's fist mid-swing and landed a blow of his own to the crab head on Rampage's torso.

"Not to worry! For you, fishstick, I could go for hours," Rampage cackled. He yanked his captured hand back, bringing Dept Charge a step closer to him, and smashed their heads together. Depth Charge recovered from that quicker than Rampage expected him to. He shoved him back and kicked Rampage's feet out from under him. There were downsides to being so top-heavy.

Depth Charge followed him to the ground, attempting to pin him. They fought on the ground there for a few moments, Rampage loving every bit of it, when—

"Rampage! We talked about this!"

Rampage tilted his head up, hoping he was mishearing, but no. At the edge of the clearing stood Quickstrike, still smoking from where he'd been shot in the battle, watching Rampage and Depth Charge wrestle with his arms crossed. He tasted distinctly of disappointment. 

This could go very badly. Rampage needed to put a top to it before it began.

Depth Charge was also surprised by their intruder, which gave Rampage an opening to knee him in the torso and throw him off so that he could scramble to his feet. Depth Charge probably thought this was becoming an unfair fight, as if Quickstrike would try to help Rampage. In this case, he may very well try to help—but not in any way that made sense.

Rampage sprinted over to Quickstrike before Depth Charge had the chance to recover and shoot him. "You need to get out of here," Rampage said dangerously, but he undercut that a little by getting on one knee so that he could look Quickstrike in the eye. "I mean it, Quickstrike."

"No, c'mon! We practiced and everything," Quickstrike protested, gesturing at Depth Charge. "You're supposed to talk to him!"

"He doesn't want to _talk_ ," Rampage hissed, hoping Depth Charge couldn't hear him.

Quickstrike looked at him like he was stupid. Like _Rampage_ was the stupid one. "That's why you gotta convince him! We went over this!" he huffed. "I can't believe you forgot already."

"What's going on?" Depth Charge growled from behind Rampage, pointing a gun at both of them and cautiously approaching. "I thought you didn't like working with other people, X."

"He wants—" Quicktrike started, then stopped when Rampage compulsively grabbed him and covered Quickstrike's face with his hand. Not that that would really _do_ anything, since Quickstrike didn't have a mouth, but it startled him into stopping. He could start to speak again at any moment. Muted panic was starting to surge through Rampage—he needed to get out of this situation, _now._

With no better ideas, he stood, hauled Quickstrike up, and threw him. He landed in a heap a ways away. He was fine, Rampage knew. He'd done much worse to Quickstrike.

Rampage turned to face Depth Charge again. He was still pointing the gun at him, but now he was also squinting at him in disbelief. 

"What the slag was that?"

"Don't worry about it," Rampage said, as pleasantly as he could. "Now, where were we?"

But before they could get back to fighting, Rampage caught sight of movement out of the corner of his eye. Quickstrike marched right past him, and _right up to Depth Charge_. Rampage didn't have time to grab him again before he was within Depth Charge's striking range. "I'll show you how it's done," he threw over his shoulder at Rampage.

Depth Charge's gun was now trained on Quickstrike's face. Depth Charge watched him walk right up to it, until he could have shot him in the head point blank. Rampage could taste Depth Charge's suspicion and distrust.

"What do you want?" he asked. 

"Nothing! He just got hit in the head," Rampage called. He didn't want to risk trying to grab Quickstrike now. Rampage could take a shot to the face, but he didn't know that Quickstrike could, in spite of his blustering. But Quickstrike also wasn't going to back down from this. Rampage was seized with a feeling of dread.

Quickstrike shot a glare at Rampage before focusing his gaze upward, at Depth Charge. "Hey there," he said, clearly trying to sound suave. "You come 'round here often?"

"...what?" was the only thing Depth Charge could respond with. Rampage's hands came up to cover his face of their own volition. He couldn't watch this. 

"Anyone ever tell you how nice this form looks on you?" Quickstrike asked. "I'm sure you looked good before, but now, _woo-ie_. You're a real knockout."

Rampage could taste the confusion and irritation emanating from Depth Charge in waves. He peeked through his fingers to watch Depth Charge press his gun up against Quickstrike's head. This was going to be the end of him, Rampage just knew it, and that was far more distressing than it had any right to be.

"Looking for a hole in your face?" Depth Charge asked darkly.

"Aw, I ain't a threat to ya," Quickstrike said, brushing the gun away. "Y'know, there's some nice hot springs nearby. How's about you and me take a little trip together? We can take a break, relax, see where things go..."

Now the taste of confusion was overpowering everything else. Depth Charge caught Rampage watching the two of them through his fingers and gestured at Quickstrike angrily. "Do you have something to do with this?" he demanded.

Rampage shut his fingers back over his eyes. "No," he said, his voice a little strained.

Depth Charge clearly wasn't buying it. "Then what? You expect me to believe this is some kind of Predacon plan?"

"Naw, you got me all wrong! If Megatron saw me now he'd have my hide," Quickstrike said. "Some things are just worth the risk. So what d'you say, hot stuff?"

Depth Charge snorted. He—he actually _laughed._ Rampage's hands flew off his face in shock. He didn't seem to have done it voluntarily—his expression hadn't changed, but he couldn't hide the little hint of amusement he'd felt. Not from Rampage.

He couldn't remember the last time he'd heard Depth Charge laugh. Back on Omicron, surely. And even that small bit of amusement... it was just as delicious, just as addictive as Depth Charge's pain and anger was, if not more so.

And _Quickstrike_ had caused it. Rampage was a little bit in awe.

"You've got a lot of nerve, talking to me like that," Depth Charge growled, extra gravelly to cover for his slip-up.

"I tell it like I see it," Quickstrike agreed. "Speaking of which... I got it on good authority I ain't the only one around here who appreciates a looker such as yourself. And there's plenty of room in the hot springs for all three of us." He threw a pointed look over his shoulder at Rampage, as if he wasn't being obvious enough.

And there was that feeling of wanting to melt into the ground and dissolve into a puddle again. Great. Wonderful.

Depth Charge arched an eyebrow ridge at him.

"I don't know what he's talking about," Rampage said, putting every ounce of effort into making himself sound as convincing as possible. "And neither does he."

Depth Charge felt... conflicted? The taste was hard to put a name to. And that in itself was interesting—Rampage considered himself a connoisseur of Depth Charge's emotions.

"I'm... I'm leaving," Depth Charge finally concluded. He glanced down at Quickstrike with an expression that could only be described as bewilderment, then threw a glare in Rampage's direction. "We'll settle this later, X."

With that, he transformed and flew up into the sky and out of sight.

It was quiet for a long moment as they both watched him go. Then, Quickstrike turned to face Rampage. "See? That wasn't so bad, was it?"

Rampage sank to his knees, and then fell over onto his back, staring aimlessly into the sky. "That was _so_ bad," he groaned, his arms flung out loosely to his sides. "If you ever do that again I'll kill you."

Quickstrike walked into Rampage's line of sight just so he could see him tut and shake his head. "You're never gonna win him over with that attitude."

"Okay." There was no point in arguing. This was just one of those battles Rampage was not equipped to win. He would just... be more careful next time. Make sure the next time he and Depth Charge met, Quickstrike was nowhere nearby.

Quickstrike sat somewhere by Rampage's head, and they sat in companionable silence for a while before he spoke up. "Well..." he said, drawing the word out. "Just 'cause he left doesn't mean we can't still go to the hot springs."

Rampage sighed, long and slow. "Yeah, okay," he said.

The worst part was that, even after all that, it would probably still be fun. Quickstrike grabbed Rampage's arm and made a token effort to pull him to his feet, and Rampage didn't even protest when Quickstrike didn't let go.

**Author's Note:**

> share on [tumblr](https://miniconsuffrage.tumblr.com/post/619595244339675136/chapters-11-fandom-transformers-all-media) or [twitter](https://twitter.com/miniconsuffrage/status/1266919639902232576?s=20)!
> 
> (if you guys aren't clicking on these links you're really missing out, I make pictures now. graphic design is my passion)


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